May 2, 2022

something I read | about conversations

 

The Mistake I Made with My Grieving Friend

by Celeste Headlee


Her friend was grieving and Celeste thought she was showing empathy by sharing her story. The friend's response helped her realize something.

"From that day forward, I started to notice how often I responded to stories of loss and struggle with stories of my own experiences. My son would tell me about clashing with a kid in Boy Scouts, and I would talk about a girl I fell out with in college. When a co-worker got laid off, I told her about how much I struggled to find a job after I had been laid off years earlier. But when I began to pay a little more attention to how people responded to my attempts to empathize, I realized the effect of sharing my experiences was never as I intended. What all of these people needed was for me to hear them and acknowledge what they were going through. Instead, I forced them to listen to me and acknowledge me."

She started to respond to others in a more supportive way.

"Shift Response
Mary: I'm so busy right now.
Tim: Me too. I'm totally overwhelmed.

Support Response
Mary: I'm so busy right now.
Tim: Why? What do you have to get done?"

We are reminded that people don't always need advice and our story. They need to be heard.

Listen more. Talk less.


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